During last year, I was on medication for weight-loss for 10 month. During this time I did loose 10kg, which felt like a success. But the weight-loss wasn’t the biggest win. That was the fact that I could live my life without having to always think about what not to eat, to battle the cravings as well as the shame and anxiety that comes with “failing”. I was able to just live my life, in a way that ‘normal’ people without a fucked up relationship with food and eating do.

But after 10 months, my doctor had the mentality of “you can’t be on this medication forever, you just need to change you habits” and I wasn’t given the medication anymore. And of course, as soon as I stopped, my behaviour returned to what it was before. This makes med feel like this isn’t an issue regarding my habits (shouldn’t stopping to do something for 10 months break a habit?) but rather something wrong with my brains or hormones? I get medication that tweaks with the signal substances in my brain and I change my habits and then when the medication stops, I go back to what I did before.

So after struggling with my weight for 20 years, I need to deal with this for real. I’m going down the injection path. I will not be on Ozempic, but Mounjaro in hopes of my brain starting to cooperate with me and that perhaps I finally can loose the weight I keep gaining during the seasonal depression episodes. Maybe I for once in my adult life will reach a weight so that I don’t have to have the discussion with doctors about BMI being a stupid measurement for someone who’s just over 1,5 m and built like I should have been going into battle.

But I do have some, maybe not guilt, but something similar about it. It feels like cheating, the same way weight-loss surgery would feel like cheating. Why is that? If it’s not working the way it “should” be done, why should you keep suffering and not do what will actually help you? And who am I cheating? I know what I’m doing, I’m not fooling myself. I won’t go around bragging about my weight-loss (if there is any), but I will be honest on how I did it if someone asks. It’s like it HAVE to be difficult to loose weight and any time you get any help to make it easier, you’re cheating. Nothing else I’ve tried have worked and I have enough knowledge so it that it “should” work, but it’s not enough. I need help and so I decided to do this. I still will have to eat less and take care of myself. It will still be a process. So why does it feel like cheating?